Jockey and Fruit of the Loom are fighting over Jon Hamm's bulge, offering to support the Mad Men actor's package with lifetime supplies of underwear. Will Hamm appreciate the offer, or will the underwear offers only add to his growing annoyance at the recently increased coverage of his crotch?
"They're called 'privates' for a reason," Jon Hamm scolded in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, as though we were the ones who cast the spotlight on his prominent endowments in the first place. As though the Jon Hamm rumor was born of childish prurience! Hamm, please.
That bulge has been Jon Hamm's trademark since all the way back in 2010, when a handful of gossip sources started compiling photographic evidence of that unmistakable accessory complementing Hamm's finely tailored trousers. "Jon Hamm's Salami: A Photographic Investigation," read one Gawker headline, while Celeb*tchy declared "Jon Hamm loves to let his junk swing & his lack of underwear is causing problems."
Is this really anything to get all grumpy about? We think not - especially since the Mad Men actor is set to score some Jockey and Fruit of the Loom swag out of this whole Jon Hamm rumor madness.
Jockey and Fruit of the Loom have each eagerly volunteered to take responsibility for Hamm's manhood by offering the actor free lifetime supplies of underwear. "Jockey would like to offer our support for Jon Hamm in the form of a lifetime supply of Jockey underwear," a representative for Jockey told TMZ.
Not to be outdone, Fruit of the Loom hurried to offer their own breathless proposition: "We want people to be themselves. And if going Commando makes you happy, we say go for it. But in case you change your mind, we got you covered."
We hope this Jockey versus Fruit of the Loom fight for the right to claim Jon Hamm's privates doesn't get too heated -- surely there's plenty of Hamm to go around. But that's beside the point; after all, we can't ignore the fact that the Jon Hamm rumor hasn't been as fun for the Don Draper actor as it has been for everyone else. "Most of it's tongue-in-cheek," Hamm told Rolling Stone. "But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have -- a prurience."
Geez, okay. We're sorry. Jockey and Fruit of the Loom freebies aside, it's true that the Jon Hamm rumor supposedly leaking from the Mad Men Season 6 set isn't the classiest point on our real-life Don Draper's resume. This new explosion in Jon Hamm bulge coverage started with a March 19 Daily Mail article reporting that the star's substantial blessings were causing trouble on the set of Mad Men.
Supposedly, an AMC insider told the rag that Hamm was "politely instructed by a staffer at the network to please wear underwear while shooting his scenes." In context, such a request wouldn't be surprising - as the source explained, Mad Men Season 6 takes place in the late '60s, when pants were very tight and fabrics left little to the imagination. While Hamm seems to have a little more to deal with than some others might, surely he isn't the only actor who receives such advice from the wardrobe department when costumes are tight and clingy.
But the insider went on to claim that during seasons one and two, AMC's marketing team had to Photoshop promotional materials to contain the shock-and-awe capacity of Jon Hamm's privates. That delightful detail combined with the numerous Jon Hamm commando slideshows that had already been floating around the internet, created the perfect circumstances for the Jon Hamm rumor to escalate to Jon Hamm bulge-mania.
"I'm wearing pants, for f*ck's sake," Hamm complained to Rolling Stone. "Lay off."
Come on, Hamm. Are you just trying to mess with us now? Everyone -- male and female -- knows that when nature blesses one with extraordinary physical endowments, stepping outside without supportive undergarments can cause quite a stir. Maybe this Mad Men actor should consider those offers from Jocky and Fruit of the Loom. Then again, maybe not -- we're not complaining about a thing!